So my Grandpa just died a few days ago, and while trying to gauge my emotional level, I found that I was sad, sure, but only just so. I loved my Grandpa, but I hardly saw him and it's been years since I last visited him. Not to mention I've already lost several loved ones in a short time span several years ago, so I kinda feel I've grown dull to death a bit. Still, with everyone asking if I'm ok, it makes me think about how my family will gauge my level of sadness. I've always been a bit reserved and not a person to cry much, even when both my parents died years ago. I don't bawl my eyes out for hours on end, and I tend to keep my feelings bottled up. My extended family however, doesn't seem to understand this about me and its been a major point of contention between me and them. My mom's death devastated me, so much so that I couldn't even finish college, but my family got angry at me for not doing so and said I used her death as an excuse to be lazy drop out. They used the fact that I hardly talked about her and barely cried as 'proof' that I 'didn't give a damn about her' and constantly told me how I felt about her as if they knew what was going on in my head. This pissed me off to no end and its one of the major reason I don't even talk to them anymore. This is why I'm a little wary about going home to my Grandpa's funeral. I loved him, and I'll miss him, but I'm just not that sad about the whole thing. But I'm sure my family will assume I'm not sad AT ALL and will jump at the opportunity to point out how heartless and unfeeling I am.
The picture above is the result of some introspection about myself as a whole. I've had a lot of terrible things happen to me in my life. I've lost several loved ones in various ways, I've been torn away from my own siblings, and I've had several family members turn on me and even abandon me. I find it hard to build positive relations with anyone, family or otherwise, and I hardly trust anyone even when they do or say something nice. Still, I'm nice and kind to others, I love sharing, and I'm always careful not to hurt other people's feelings. I'm quick to laugh and I'm a bit of a lovable troll at times. Most people outside f my family(or even within it) don't even know about the problems I've faced in life or the inner turmoil that goes on in my mind as a result of it. If I had to describe my soul, it would be as is pictured about: a pure and clear shining glass/crystal ball that's sadly been cracked so many times to nearly the point of shattering, surrounded by a dark void. Each crack is the result of a bad experience in my life, with the biggest being the most traumatic. Sometimes it seems that the only thing holding it together and stopping it from shattering into a million pieces is my own strong will and the grace of God, as represented by the hands. My love of God seems to be the only thing that's remained constant in my life, and it been a lifeline of mine even when strong bonds like 'family' and 'friends' are either broken or lost with time.
/Vent art is vented